If you have the ability to sample, the headphones that least set off my own sensitivities are the Sennheiser HD6XX and the Koss Porta Pros. The Porta Pros particularly might be a useful test case for you because they’re very inexpensive.
I can’t help but wonder… This sounds like a new development. As such, it might be worth it for the OP to have a visit with an Ear, Nose and Throat specialist / Audiologist to see what, if anything, is going on. As far as a recommendation goes, my ears are so screwed up I am not in a position to do that because I don’t hear things the way an actual human would!
Best of luck to you, @reuben3 . Hope things get sorted for you soon.
That sounds like a problem with treble sensitivity on your side as the crack/snap sounds of toms clearly are in that frequently range.
In that regard I can recommend Spirit Torino headphones:
The tuning leans to the darker side of tonality and is certainly more relaxed than other products. Also vocals are nicely attenuated. ST try to recreate the live experience with their headphones and they are made for long listening sessions.
If you somehow have the chance to try them (i.e. at some headphone show like CanJam or at High-end Munich this year), you should.